December 15, 2006 - It has been a long, tiring, emotionally draining, and just overall crappy week. I can't remember the last time that I have felt so bad for so long (perhaps during my undergrad "Organic Chemistry" days?). It's actually at the point now where I don't know what to say to anyone anymore. I'm not sure what to do and even worst, what to think. It's confusing and frustrating - and I'm THIS close to booking a ticket and flying somewhere to escape it all.
At least work has been extremely busy lately - which helps with taking my mind off things. Having said that, I can't remember how many times today I just stared out the window and let my mind wandered.
Christmas is in a week and starting this weekend, it looks like I will have to attend a few "mandatory" Christmas parties and celebrations - nearly all of them are work or family related. How I look forward to hanging around with a big group of people (half of them I don't really like or know anyway), smiling and chatting as if nothing's wrong and then come home and lock myself inside the four walls of my apartment!
Cheers to the start of the holiday season eh...
Friday, December 15, 2006
Monday, December 11, 2006
10 signs you're having an "off" day
December 11, 2006 - Ten signs that you're having an "off" day:
1. You wake up an hour later than you're supposed to and despite moving as fast as you could, you still leave the house at the same time when you should already be at work.
2. You look into the mirror and realize your eyes are (still) puffy, red and swollen.
3. The subway to work takes forever - literally "stop-and-go" from Eglinton to Bloor.
4. You nearly burst into tears because the subway is taking so long and you're now really late.
5. You feel pathetic because you nearly started crying in front of a subway car full of strangers.
6. You get to the streetcar stop but see no streetcar, so you decide to walk. You look back after half a block and see a streetcar sailing right past you.
7. You stare out at the window every 2 minutes and start daydreaming instead of putting together that slidedeck that is now overdue.
8. You show up at the wrong room for a meeting and don't realize it until 10 minutes later, despite the fact that you don't recognize anyone in the room and you have no idea what they're talking about.
9. You spend all afternoon working on a spreadsheet, just as you're about to save it, the network drive collapses.
10. You go home at the end of the night - and start worrying that tomorrow will be just like today.
1. You wake up an hour later than you're supposed to and despite moving as fast as you could, you still leave the house at the same time when you should already be at work.
2. You look into the mirror and realize your eyes are (still) puffy, red and swollen.
3. The subway to work takes forever - literally "stop-and-go" from Eglinton to Bloor.
4. You nearly burst into tears because the subway is taking so long and you're now really late.
5. You feel pathetic because you nearly started crying in front of a subway car full of strangers.
6. You get to the streetcar stop but see no streetcar, so you decide to walk. You look back after half a block and see a streetcar sailing right past you.
7. You stare out at the window every 2 minutes and start daydreaming instead of putting together that slidedeck that is now overdue.
8. You show up at the wrong room for a meeting and don't realize it until 10 minutes later, despite the fact that you don't recognize anyone in the room and you have no idea what they're talking about.
9. You spend all afternoon working on a spreadsheet, just as you're about to save it, the network drive collapses.
10. You go home at the end of the night - and start worrying that tomorrow will be just like today.
Saturday, December 09, 2006
Calling Dr. Phil
December 9, 2006 - It's hard to describe how I'm feeling now - sad? for sure; angry? a little; disappointed? uh-huh; pathetic? definitely.
I was never good in dealing with "feelings" and "emotions". The me that everyone gets is happy and cheerful, hyper and positive. If I get a dollar every time someone tells me I'm a positive person, I wouldn't have to worry about my next downpayment!
But being happy and hyper and cheerful all the time comes at a cost - that is the inability to deal with more complicated feelings: like sadness, or abandonment, or anger. So instead of reacting to these feelings - I shun them. It's easier to not deal with them than to have to face them.
Then comes the times when you really have to deal with them. When these feelings have been building up for so long (and you aren't even aware that they have been building up), it becomes overwhelming as they come out. But how do you deal with them? do I go to a shrink ? do I work on them by myself? do I tell people that I'm an emotional wreck and ask them to help me?
The anger and disappointment part is there too - I'm not sure if 'm mad at myself, or because I feel like that the feeling of trust that I have for people and that people have for me is gone (and I guess I'm to blame for that). How do you expect to continue to have a relationship with anyone if they can't trust you? or maybe I just can't form lasting good relationships, because I just don't know how. And that is why people leave my life - because I suck in keeping them in and I don't know how to deal with them.
It's time to stop and re-evaluate my life. I guess I have heard the call for awhile now - but as usual, I have been running away from it. And now, it has finally caught up.
I was never good in dealing with "feelings" and "emotions". The me that everyone gets is happy and cheerful, hyper and positive. If I get a dollar every time someone tells me I'm a positive person, I wouldn't have to worry about my next downpayment!
But being happy and hyper and cheerful all the time comes at a cost - that is the inability to deal with more complicated feelings: like sadness, or abandonment, or anger. So instead of reacting to these feelings - I shun them. It's easier to not deal with them than to have to face them.
Then comes the times when you really have to deal with them. When these feelings have been building up for so long (and you aren't even aware that they have been building up), it becomes overwhelming as they come out. But how do you deal with them? do I go to a shrink ? do I work on them by myself? do I tell people that I'm an emotional wreck and ask them to help me?
The anger and disappointment part is there too - I'm not sure if 'm mad at myself, or because I feel like that the feeling of trust that I have for people and that people have for me is gone (and I guess I'm to blame for that). How do you expect to continue to have a relationship with anyone if they can't trust you? or maybe I just can't form lasting good relationships, because I just don't know how. And that is why people leave my life - because I suck in keeping them in and I don't know how to deal with them.
It's time to stop and re-evaluate my life. I guess I have heard the call for awhile now - but as usual, I have been running away from it. And now, it has finally caught up.
Thursday, December 07, 2006
The next station is Eglinton...
December 7, 2006 - Another example of how I get excited over the littlest thing:
On my way home on the subway tonight, I heard something that I thought was long overdue: automated stop announcements. Now this isn't exactly the most innovative thing (I mean, could we be one of the few mass transit systems in the western world that still do not a computer announcing stops?) and I know that a computer has been announcing stops on the Sheppard line for years, but to finally hear it on the very busy Yonge line (the backbone of our transit system) was pretty cool.
For those who have yet to hear it, the voice is that of a woman's, who simply announces stops in the following fashion: "The next stop is Eglinton. Eglinton Station is next..." and then when the train approaches the station: "Approaching Eglinton Station..." Nothing fancy, nothing unique - but makes such a big difference (compared to the usual grumpy mumble that we get from the train conductors). Having clear stop announcements will not only benefit those who are visually impaired, but will also be great for tourists, sleepy riders, and people who don't pay attention to when they need to get off the train!
Could this be our first baby step towards making our subway system world-class again?
On my way home on the subway tonight, I heard something that I thought was long overdue: automated stop announcements. Now this isn't exactly the most innovative thing (I mean, could we be one of the few mass transit systems in the western world that still do not a computer announcing stops?) and I know that a computer has been announcing stops on the Sheppard line for years, but to finally hear it on the very busy Yonge line (the backbone of our transit system) was pretty cool.
For those who have yet to hear it, the voice is that of a woman's, who simply announces stops in the following fashion: "The next stop is Eglinton. Eglinton Station is next..." and then when the train approaches the station: "Approaching Eglinton Station..." Nothing fancy, nothing unique - but makes such a big difference (compared to the usual grumpy mumble that we get from the train conductors). Having clear stop announcements will not only benefit those who are visually impaired, but will also be great for tourists, sleepy riders, and people who don't pay attention to when they need to get off the train!
Could this be our first baby step towards making our subway system world-class again?
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