Dazed and Confused

January 29, 2006 - Dazed and confused. I'm not even sure if those are the right words to describe how I've been feeling the past couple of days. Lately, I have been questioning myself on a lot of things that are currently going on in my life and this mid-life evaluation has suddenly sparked a lot of self-doubt and insecurity that I haven't experienced in a long time. Needless to say, these feelings haven't been sitting well with me, and though I still have more good days than bad, it seems like that the happy-go-lucky personality that I've been known to have suddenly seems to have disappeared.

Case in point, the past couple of days, I have been forced to make some tough decisions about where my life is heading. With each problem, I find myself asking if I making the right decisions and whether I'm doing things that are truly making me happy, or if I'm just going with the flow?

It's especially hard for me since I'm already not really good with making simple decisions. When these decisions involve more than one person though, the need to consider feelings and emotions become even more important. That's where the confusion comes in. For example, what do you do when something that you know is wrong, yet feels so right? Do I make a rational decision with my head then, or an emotional one from the heart?

The confusion part also comes in when others expect you to act a specific way, or when others set up paths to help you make the decision that you don't necessary believe in. It's disappointing when that happens - it's as if I'm not good enough to make my own decision about what I want and you have to make the decision for me - sacrificing yourself to help me make the decision-making easier (and not telling me about it) isn't going to help with anything - it just adds more confusion to the situation.

Dazed.

Confused.

A little disappointed too...

Attack of the Ants

January 20, 2006 - Ok so the title might have been a little dramatic - it wasn't like a whole swarm of ants jumped out of no where and started eating my flesh (eww) but this morning's little incident just left a bad taste in my mouth...

So last night, when I was doing dishes, I noticed a red fire ant crawling up the wall behind the sink. My instinct was to squish it of course, and I was a little surprised as well, given I have never seen them (in my apt) before. A few seconds later, two more ants came crawling out of nowhere, followed by three more. I tried to follow them to see where they came from - a couple of them were going into the cabinet above the sink through the gap between the cabinet and the wall - and tried to stop them (by killing them and also by sealing the gap between the cabinet and the wall with my cocking gun and steel wool), but still, there were more to be found! So I gave up (I was getting a little pissed off by then, since I had also killed 2 other bugs, which I swear are baby roaches) and went to bed.

This morning, while I was making my breakfast, I saw two more ants crawling up the wall. Pissed off, I grabbed a Kleenex and tried to squish them. Those hard-bodied creatures just would not die. One of them ended up on my finger and the next thing I know, my finger started to bleed! I had been bitten by a freakin ant! Anyway, I finally managed to kill both of them, and went off to work, and told tell my colleagues yet another bug-tale. FYI: these ants were coming from this gap between the sink unit and the wall, way too far for me to reach...

I talked to my landlady after work (apparently I got a new one and I didn't even know). She seemed nice enough and said she would call the pest control people on Monday. But she also said that the building gets complains about ants and other bugs on average every 3 months - that set off an alarm: if the building gets complaints about bugs every 3 months, then doesn't that mean that there is something not quite right about the building?? Like seriously, I know the building is much nicer than a lot of buildings in TO, but still...I mean, I know it's probably not the landlady's fault, but the building could be better maintained - the units for example, could be better renovated (I swear my friends' apartments are much nicer than mine). I think the tenants in my building are to blame as well. I'm not even surprised anymore when I see candy wrappers in the elevator or trash left in the garbage room. People simply just don't care - because they just don't think of the building as their home...

So I'm seriously considering moving - I can't imagine how many bugs will crawl out when the weather gets warmer. Not to mention I'm paying way too much for rent, and it would be nice to move to a smaller, cheaper place, even if it's further away. Definitely something to think about...

Back to School

January 10, 2006 - One of the things that I've noticed after I've moved out is how much free time I have after work. Usually, I would just go home, take a nap, or sit in front of the tv...but believe it or not, I have started to get tired of that. So this term, I decided to do something that I've always enjoyed: go back to school!

Initially I was planning on taking one of those cooking classes offered at the community centre, but since no one wanted to go with me (and I didn't want to take a cooking class by myself), I decided to look at what U of T has to offer and sure enough, I found a course called 19th Century European Architecture.

So having always been interested in buildings and cities, I figured, why not? I could always just sit in and audit the course - without having to worry about tests, midterms, or exams...

Tonight was the first class and it definitely felt weird being back on campus after a couple of months. Things have certainly changed - new buildings have gone up and the kids walking around seem so much younger. My class was huge (as with all undergrad U of T classes) and for the first little bit, I felt a little self-conscious...but as soon as the lecture started, I felt right at ease - and you know in a way it was good to be back in a classroom. Crazy, I know!

The Prof was a little boring but the subject matter was quite interesting (we talked about a couple of buildings in Paris tonight!) and there was this cute guy who sat in the same row as me too - so that helped. =) but like I've said, it just felt good to be back in school!

I just can't seem to stay away from that place eh?

PARK it!

January 5, 2006 - A friend of mine sent me a really cool site at work today. To combat the lack of green space in downtown San Francisco (where 70% of outdoor space is devoted to vehicle use), a group called "rebar" implemented a PARK(ing) program, in which a metered street parking spot is leased (i.e. money is put into the meter for 2 hours, as if you're using it to park a car) and the parking spot is then transformed into a small parkette - complete with trees, a bench, and grass. The whole idea is to put valuable downtown land into better use, particularly for recreational and natural uses.

Here's the premise behind the idea:

Feeding the meter of a parking space enables one to rent precious downtown real estate, typically on a 1/2 hour to 2 hour basis. What is the range of possible occupancy activities for this short-term lease?

Our goal was to transform a parking spot into a PARK(ing) space, thereby temporarily expanding the public realm and improving the quality of urban human habitat, at least until the meter ran out.

In one afternoon alone, the group claims to have provided an additional 24 sq. ft/min of new park space! What a cool idea eh? Even if it's only temporarily.

Check out the group's website - be sure to take a look at the videos and pictures of people using the park!

http://www.rebargroup.org/projects/parking/index.html