February 28, 2006 - The past several days have been tough. It involved a lot of thinking, a lot of questioning and deep soul-searching. I know it sounds totally dramatic, but I don't know how else to describe it. When you have to decide what you want to do, and knowing that the decision will affect others, it's a big responsibility. I took my time though and really thought things through: what is it that I want in life? am I heading the right direction? is this what I really really want?
The decision turned out to be easier than I thought. The answer was right there all along, I just had to find it. But the journey itself was rewarding - it made me realize that what I have been doing, or the way that I have been approaching things (i.e. relationships, work, and life in general) isn't exactly right. Changes will have to be made but I know if I put my heart to it (and I really will this time), I can do it.
So it's the finally the last day of February - is it just me, or has this month been really brutal?
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Saturday, February 25, 2006
The Mozart Experience
February 25, 2006 - 2006 marks the 250th anniversary of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart's birth. All around the world, there have been concerts, performances and musical tributes to the classical composer. While I would like to be in Salzburg to check out the Mozart Festival (and hopefully I'll get to do that if I do decide to go to Europe in the fall), the best I could do for now is to take advantage of the local orchestras and performances - and that was what I did. Tonight, I went to my first Mozart concert in a long time.
My sister bought tickets to go see the Tafelmusik Orchestra's "Mozart at the Piano" concert at the Trinity-St. Paul's Centre. The concert featured two key pieces of Mozart's: Concerto for fortepiano no. 24 in C Minor, and Symphony no. 31 in D Major. Now even though I took music all the way through school, I must admit that much of what I had learned (including my ability to play the violin) have pretty much been forgotten. So throughout the concert, I had to ask my sister what specific things mean, such as: what's the difference between allegro, larghetto, and allegretto?
The concert itself was pretty cool - I got to see the fortepiano for the first time (which is really like a normal piano, except the white keys are black and the black keys are white). The pianist was really really good. Seeing him move his fingers was impressive enough. One thing that I really liked about the concert was this "improvised" section. The pianist asked the audience to submit bars of music during the intermission, and afterwards, selected 4 submissions randomly and created a piece out of it. It was amazing because: 1) he was able to link individual bars together that do not even seem to link up at all; 2) the audience was quite knowledgeable about music - one of the submissions was from these two 12 year old girls!
So overall, it was a neat experience. I wasn't bored at all - I was actually pretty awestruck just watching the bows of the first violins go up and down (for the record, I played 2nd violin in high school). It was fun and entertaining =) definitely have to thank my sister for asking me to go with her...
Funny story: I seriously have to work on my parallel parking! It has been awhile since I have driven downtown and needless to say, I had major problems parking my car along the sidestreets. It was actually quite embarrassing when I got stuck and all these cars were behind me waiting for me to either park or pull out. I blame the snow though of course =)
My sister bought tickets to go see the Tafelmusik Orchestra's "Mozart at the Piano" concert at the Trinity-St. Paul's Centre. The concert featured two key pieces of Mozart's: Concerto for fortepiano no. 24 in C Minor, and Symphony no. 31 in D Major. Now even though I took music all the way through school, I must admit that much of what I had learned (including my ability to play the violin) have pretty much been forgotten. So throughout the concert, I had to ask my sister what specific things mean, such as: what's the difference between allegro, larghetto, and allegretto?
The concert itself was pretty cool - I got to see the fortepiano for the first time (which is really like a normal piano, except the white keys are black and the black keys are white). The pianist was really really good. Seeing him move his fingers was impressive enough. One thing that I really liked about the concert was this "improvised" section. The pianist asked the audience to submit bars of music during the intermission, and afterwards, selected 4 submissions randomly and created a piece out of it. It was amazing because: 1) he was able to link individual bars together that do not even seem to link up at all; 2) the audience was quite knowledgeable about music - one of the submissions was from these two 12 year old girls!
So overall, it was a neat experience. I wasn't bored at all - I was actually pretty awestruck just watching the bows of the first violins go up and down (for the record, I played 2nd violin in high school). It was fun and entertaining =) definitely have to thank my sister for asking me to go with her...
Funny story: I seriously have to work on my parallel parking! It has been awhile since I have driven downtown and needless to say, I had major problems parking my car along the sidestreets. It was actually quite embarrassing when I got stuck and all these cars were behind me waiting for me to either park or pull out. I blame the snow though of course =)
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Vancouver?
February 22, 2006 - So the last couple of blogs have been a little dramatic and emotional, but now that things have cooled off a bit (well kinda), I thought I would shift gear and write about something else - I guess mainly to get my normal, ordinary life back in order, but also I'm a little bit tired of writing about my relationship problems and my quarterlife crisis. So I thought I would write about one of my favourite topics (other than planning): going on vacation!
Now I have to say that the last time that I went on a real vacation was back in May 2004, when I went to Europe. That was probably the best trip I have ever gone on - mainly because we planned the trip by ourselves, with no help from anyone. Since then I have gone on side trips (Buffalo and Cambridge came to mind), but I definitely would not call them a "vacation".
With things not going so well for me lately, the desire to just go away has gotten stronger than ever. Each time I walk past Flight Centre, I feel like going in and telling them to book me a flight to Paris for the next day. And you know, if I have the nerve, I could probably do it too. But as usual, I get scared by the thought of travelling by myself and I drop the idea before I could even seriously consider it...
But that might change! My grandmother recently gave me all her airmiles and now I have enough to fly to anywhere in North America - for free! The problem is I have to book my ticket by April 1, 2006, but at this point, I have no idea where I want to go. I don't want to let those miles go to waste either - so I will have to think of something fast. Right now, the idea of Seattle/Vancouver sounds good - I have never been to Seattle, and I have always wanted to go back to Vancouver (I still want to move there eventually, but that dream seems to fade as each day goes by). San Francisco is a good possibility too. I haven't been to that city in over 10 years and I'm pretty sure that things have changed considerably.
I guess going to Seattle/Vancouver might win out - I do know a few people in the city (though I know a lot more people who have moved from Van to TO), so I guess I could visit them, but then again, I don't know them THAT well, so I probably won't be spending too much time with them either (not to mention they are probably too busy to deal with me). But still, I will have to pay for accommodation, which will be pricey. At the same time, I will still be travelling by myself - though I'm pretty sure I can handle being on my own for a few days in Vancouver. Hmm, now the more that I think about it, the more I think I can do it!
There's also that major Canadian Planners Conference in Vancouver in June. I tried to write a proposal at work to see if they could send me to attend (that way, I'll get to have free accommodation & airfare), but chances of that are real slim now, especially since our director doesn't want us to attend conferences that are outside the province. So maybe I could go on my own...but June seems so far away. I want to go somewhere, like NOW. To quote Kelly Clarkson (again):
Wanna feel the warm breeze / Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get onboard a fast train/ Travel on a jet plane, far away
I will breakaway
Maybe I should just do it. It's only Vancouver. I can handle that, right?
Now I have to say that the last time that I went on a real vacation was back in May 2004, when I went to Europe. That was probably the best trip I have ever gone on - mainly because we planned the trip by ourselves, with no help from anyone. Since then I have gone on side trips (Buffalo and Cambridge came to mind), but I definitely would not call them a "vacation".
With things not going so well for me lately, the desire to just go away has gotten stronger than ever. Each time I walk past Flight Centre, I feel like going in and telling them to book me a flight to Paris for the next day. And you know, if I have the nerve, I could probably do it too. But as usual, I get scared by the thought of travelling by myself and I drop the idea before I could even seriously consider it...
But that might change! My grandmother recently gave me all her airmiles and now I have enough to fly to anywhere in North America - for free! The problem is I have to book my ticket by April 1, 2006, but at this point, I have no idea where I want to go. I don't want to let those miles go to waste either - so I will have to think of something fast. Right now, the idea of Seattle/Vancouver sounds good - I have never been to Seattle, and I have always wanted to go back to Vancouver (I still want to move there eventually, but that dream seems to fade as each day goes by). San Francisco is a good possibility too. I haven't been to that city in over 10 years and I'm pretty sure that things have changed considerably.
I guess going to Seattle/Vancouver might win out - I do know a few people in the city (though I know a lot more people who have moved from Van to TO), so I guess I could visit them, but then again, I don't know them THAT well, so I probably won't be spending too much time with them either (not to mention they are probably too busy to deal with me). But still, I will have to pay for accommodation, which will be pricey. At the same time, I will still be travelling by myself - though I'm pretty sure I can handle being on my own for a few days in Vancouver. Hmm, now the more that I think about it, the more I think I can do it!
There's also that major Canadian Planners Conference in Vancouver in June. I tried to write a proposal at work to see if they could send me to attend (that way, I'll get to have free accommodation & airfare), but chances of that are real slim now, especially since our director doesn't want us to attend conferences that are outside the province. So maybe I could go on my own...but June seems so far away. I want to go somewhere, like NOW. To quote Kelly Clarkson (again):
Wanna feel the warm breeze / Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get onboard a fast train/ Travel on a jet plane, far away
I will breakaway
Maybe I should just do it. It's only Vancouver. I can handle that, right?
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Wake me up when February ends
February 21, 2006 - I woke up this morning and the first thought that ran through my head was: tell me it was all just a really bad dream.
But it wasn't a dream. It was real. And within seconds, I realized it would not go away. It is something that I can't hide from, and something that I'll need to face up to and deal with. I was sitting on the bed, with the clock ticking and my mind racing: what in the world was I thinking?
I knew it was wrong right from the start. My gut told me I shouldn't be doing this. It's not right, it would never work. The complications that arise from it would cause extreme heartbreaks and tears - that both of us should not have to deal with. Someone will get hurt, and everything that I have ever believed in - particularly about myself, could be lost. My biggest fear will come out of it and there's no way things could ever turn back.
But I still did it. And I don't know why.
Was it for the thrill? Was it because I'm unhappy with my life and I felt that a change would be good? Was it because I'm lonely and I felt I needed the attention? Why would I do something that I knew would backfire on me - especially when I don't feel too good about it?
Maybe it was all the above.
For so long, it was what I wanted. I've dreamed about it for so long - even back when I knew nothing was ever going to happen, I still held out hope for it. Now that I have it though, I question myself about it. Is this what I want? Am I ready for this? What if things don't work out? What if he decides one day that he's had enough and disappears? What if he isn't THE one? There are so many questions, so many unknowns, and even though I keep telling myself that life is about risks and taking chances, it's still such a scary world out there.
I'm scared - I really am. I'm scared of losing him. I'm scared of not being able to be the person that he wants me to be (or even the person that I want to be). I'm scared things won't work out and I'll be back to square one - back to where I was just a few years ago. I'm scared that I won't be happy, that he won't be happy. Most importantly, I'm scared of disappointing him.
Obviously I have some major issues to work through. The clock is ticking though, and time won't wait.
If this is all just a dream though, I want to wake up, like now!
But it wasn't a dream. It was real. And within seconds, I realized it would not go away. It is something that I can't hide from, and something that I'll need to face up to and deal with. I was sitting on the bed, with the clock ticking and my mind racing: what in the world was I thinking?
I knew it was wrong right from the start. My gut told me I shouldn't be doing this. It's not right, it would never work. The complications that arise from it would cause extreme heartbreaks and tears - that both of us should not have to deal with. Someone will get hurt, and everything that I have ever believed in - particularly about myself, could be lost. My biggest fear will come out of it and there's no way things could ever turn back.
But I still did it. And I don't know why.
Was it for the thrill? Was it because I'm unhappy with my life and I felt that a change would be good? Was it because I'm lonely and I felt I needed the attention? Why would I do something that I knew would backfire on me - especially when I don't feel too good about it?
Maybe it was all the above.
For so long, it was what I wanted. I've dreamed about it for so long - even back when I knew nothing was ever going to happen, I still held out hope for it. Now that I have it though, I question myself about it. Is this what I want? Am I ready for this? What if things don't work out? What if he decides one day that he's had enough and disappears? What if he isn't THE one? There are so many questions, so many unknowns, and even though I keep telling myself that life is about risks and taking chances, it's still such a scary world out there.
I'm scared - I really am. I'm scared of losing him. I'm scared of not being able to be the person that he wants me to be (or even the person that I want to be). I'm scared things won't work out and I'll be back to square one - back to where I was just a few years ago. I'm scared that I won't be happy, that he won't be happy. Most importantly, I'm scared of disappointing him.
Obviously I have some major issues to work through. The clock is ticking though, and time won't wait.
If this is all just a dream though, I want to wake up, like now!
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