Being Linguistically Challenged

Friday, August 12th - Once upon a time, I used to think that my communication skills were top-notch. I never had problems expressing myself as a kid - whether it was verbally or in words. Then I started high school and I think that was when my problems with languages began - my Chinese went downhill; I only did well in English because I could write decent papers; I failed miserably in French because of my improper grammar. Fortunately, university got better since I was pretty much stuck behind a computer all the time.

My struggle with languages continues till this day. It's not like I can't speak properly - it's just that I have problems translating the thoughts in my head to words. Often, this problem comes up when I'm trying to have a normal everyday conversation with someone. I guess I just don't do small talk well. Perhaps it's because I get nervous, or perhaps I get scared that I might use the wrong word, or say something stupid. Usually I would end up going "uh-huh" or "that's right". Sometimes I even need to pause, stop and think about what I need to say - as in put sentences together in my head before I actually say it. It really really sucks. What I find helps is for me to write down what I want to say on paper - whether just a few words or the complete sentences - just so I could speak properly...

Unfortunately though, I can't do that every time someone calls. What ends up happening then is I might end up rambling, or saying something that doesn't make any sense at all (like I would misuse words, or my sentences would be grammatically incorrect). It's frustrating sometimes because 1) It makes me sound like I'm retarded 2) It makes me angry when people don't understand me 3) It pisses the person on the other end off because he/she cannot understand me. What ends up happening then is I get upset and I don't feel like talking anymore, so I would just hang up.

Most of the time I get angry because I have no idea why the person on the other line cannot understand me - couldn't they at least put the main ideas of my sentences together (no matter how incorrect they are) and figure out what I'm trying to say ? and when the person on the other line gets annoyed with their "WHAT ?" or "HUH ?"s , I get even more upset because it makes me feel so stupid...

So what should I do ? should I start writing my thoughts down so I could have something ready whenever the phone rings ? or should I just avoid these casual conversations (which is such an important part of daily life) ? Should I take a course or something ? like what the f*#& is wrong with me ? Why can't I speak properly like a normal regular person ?