Wake me up when February ends

February 21, 2006 - I woke up this morning and the first thought that ran through my head was: tell me it was all just a really bad dream.

But it wasn't a dream. It was real. And within seconds, I realized it would not go away. It is something that I can't hide from, and something that I'll need to face up to and deal with. I was sitting on the bed, with the clock ticking and my mind racing: what in the world was I thinking?

I knew it was wrong right from the start. My gut told me I shouldn't be doing this. It's not right, it would never work. The complications that arise from it would cause extreme heartbreaks and tears - that both of us should not have to deal with. Someone will get hurt, and everything that I have ever believed in - particularly about myself, could be lost. My biggest fear will come out of it and there's no way things could ever turn back.

But I still did it. And I don't know why.

Was it for the thrill? Was it because I'm unhappy with my life and I felt that a change would be good? Was it because I'm lonely and I felt I needed the attention? Why would I do something that I knew would backfire on me - especially when I don't feel too good about it?

Maybe it was all the above.

For so long, it was what I wanted. I've dreamed about it for so long - even back when I knew nothing was ever going to happen, I still held out hope for it. Now that I have it though, I question myself about it. Is this what I want? Am I ready for this? What if things don't work out? What if he decides one day that he's had enough and disappears? What if he isn't THE one? There are so many questions, so many unknowns, and even though I keep telling myself that life is about risks and taking chances, it's still such a scary world out there.

I'm scared - I really am. I'm scared of losing him. I'm scared of not being able to be the person that he wants me to be (or even the person that I want to be). I'm scared things won't work out and I'll be back to square one - back to where I was just a few years ago. I'm scared that I won't be happy, that he won't be happy. Most importantly, I'm scared of disappointing him.

Obviously I have some major issues to work through. The clock is ticking though, and time won't wait.

If this is all just a dream though, I want to wake up, like now!