Calling Dr. Phil

December 9, 2006 - It's hard to describe how I'm feeling now - sad? for sure; angry? a little; disappointed? uh-huh; pathetic? definitely.

I was never good in dealing with "feelings" and "emotions". The me that everyone gets is happy and cheerful, hyper and positive. If I get a dollar every time someone tells me I'm a positive person, I wouldn't have to worry about my next downpayment!

But being happy and hyper and cheerful all the time comes at a cost - that is the inability to deal with more complicated feelings: like sadness, or abandonment, or anger. So instead of reacting to these feelings - I shun them. It's easier to not deal with them than to have to face them.

Then comes the times when you really have to deal with them. When these feelings have been building up for so long (and you aren't even aware that they have been building up), it becomes overwhelming as they come out. But how do you deal with them? do I go to a shrink ? do I work on them by myself? do I tell people that I'm an emotional wreck and ask them to help me?

The anger and disappointment part is there too - I'm not sure if 'm mad at myself, or because I feel like that the feeling of trust that I have for people and that people have for me is gone (and I guess I'm to blame for that). How do you expect to continue to have a relationship with anyone if they can't trust you? or maybe I just can't form lasting good relationships, because I just don't know how. And that is why people leave my life - because I suck in keeping them in and I don't know how to deal with them.

It's time to stop and re-evaluate my life. I guess I have heard the call for awhile now - but as usual, I have been running away from it. And now, it has finally caught up.