February 21, 2006 - I woke up this morning and the first thought that ran through my head was: tell me it was all just a really bad dream.
But it wasn't a dream. It was real. And within seconds, I realized it would not go away. It is something that I can't hide from, and something that I'll need to face up to and deal with. I was sitting on the bed, with the clock ticking and my mind racing: what in the world was I thinking?
I knew it was wrong right from the start. My gut told me I shouldn't be doing this. It's not right, it would never work. The complications that arise from it would cause extreme heartbreaks and tears - that both of us should not have to deal with. Someone will get hurt, and everything that I have ever believed in - particularly about myself, could be lost. My biggest fear will come out of it and there's no way things could ever turn back.
But I still did it. And I don't know why.
Was it for the thrill? Was it because I'm unhappy with my life and I felt that a change would be good? Was it because I'm lonely and I felt I needed the attention? Why would I do something that I knew would backfire on me - especially when I don't feel too good about it?
Maybe it was all the above.
For so long, it was what I wanted. I've dreamed about it for so long - even back when I knew nothing was ever going to happen, I still held out hope for it. Now that I have it though, I question myself about it. Is this what I want? Am I ready for this? What if things don't work out? What if he decides one day that he's had enough and disappears? What if he isn't THE one? There are so many questions, so many unknowns, and even though I keep telling myself that life is about risks and taking chances, it's still such a scary world out there.
I'm scared - I really am. I'm scared of losing him. I'm scared of not being able to be the person that he wants me to be (or even the person that I want to be). I'm scared things won't work out and I'll be back to square one - back to where I was just a few years ago. I'm scared that I won't be happy, that he won't be happy. Most importantly, I'm scared of disappointing him.
Obviously I have some major issues to work through. The clock is ticking though, and time won't wait.
If this is all just a dream though, I want to wake up, like now!
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Monday, February 20, 2006
Life - as I know it
February 20, 2006 - It's funny how life is. One moment you're on top of the world, a split second later, you could be spiraling down so fast that you don't know when you will hit rock bottom.
Take Italians figure skaters Barbara Fusar Poli and Maurizio Margaglio. Going into Sunday''s Olympic Original Dance competition, the Italians were on top of the world. They were sitting in the gold medal position, having danced/skated a flawless performance just two nights ago, in front of their home crowd - even though both have not skated competitively for four years. They decided to come out of retirement for the Turin Olympics, hoping, for that one last shot of glory.
Their performance was definitely sizzling - you couldn't take your eyes off them - and with the home crowd cheering and waving Italian flags everywhere, you would think they would feed off the audience's energy. And they did - until the last 5 seconds of their program, when both fell in a lift that they had practiced and done successfully so many times before. Stunned, the two were unable to react after the music stopped, and could only stare at each other with a WTF just happened written all over their foreheads. The two had fallen off the pedestal in just 2.5 minutes, with their shot for Olympic glory pretty much gone.
It's sad that this is what life is about. You have your highs, yet you have your lows. When you have your lows, you wonder why you're in such a position. Was it because you didn't cherish the moment when you were up high? Was it because you had unrealistic hopes and goals that were unreachable? the worst is when you know it's not your fault - it was because someone had done something that caused your downfall - yet you have no one to blame but yourself, because you were too trustworthy, or had too much hope and faith that any outsider could say you were being foolish to have set yourself so high up in the first place.
But how would you know when you're at your high if you have never experienced your lows? And unfortunately we don't know when the highs and lows will come. I'd like to think that life is like that - you just have act with the best information that you do have and make a decision base on that, and trust that it is the right decision. You don't know if that decision will make you fall or if it will help you rise above others. But isn't that better than not going for it at all?
I don't know why watching the Olympics, especially Ice Dancing (something that I've probably seen maybe three times in my life - btw, it's pretty cool, it's like mixing Skating with the Stars with Dancing with the Stars - hahaha), made me think of all these things. Perhaps it's the cough syrup, or perhaps I know the disappointment of rising and then falling so fast you don't know what hit you. Whatever it is, I feel bad for the Italians. But hey, at least they have the whole country behind them, right?
Take Italians figure skaters Barbara Fusar Poli and Maurizio Margaglio. Going into Sunday''s Olympic Original Dance competition, the Italians were on top of the world. They were sitting in the gold medal position, having danced/skated a flawless performance just two nights ago, in front of their home crowd - even though both have not skated competitively for four years. They decided to come out of retirement for the Turin Olympics, hoping, for that one last shot of glory.
Their performance was definitely sizzling - you couldn't take your eyes off them - and with the home crowd cheering and waving Italian flags everywhere, you would think they would feed off the audience's energy. And they did - until the last 5 seconds of their program, when both fell in a lift that they had practiced and done successfully so many times before. Stunned, the two were unable to react after the music stopped, and could only stare at each other with a WTF just happened written all over their foreheads. The two had fallen off the pedestal in just 2.5 minutes, with their shot for Olympic glory pretty much gone.
It's sad that this is what life is about. You have your highs, yet you have your lows. When you have your lows, you wonder why you're in such a position. Was it because you didn't cherish the moment when you were up high? Was it because you had unrealistic hopes and goals that were unreachable? the worst is when you know it's not your fault - it was because someone had done something that caused your downfall - yet you have no one to blame but yourself, because you were too trustworthy, or had too much hope and faith that any outsider could say you were being foolish to have set yourself so high up in the first place.
But how would you know when you're at your high if you have never experienced your lows? And unfortunately we don't know when the highs and lows will come. I'd like to think that life is like that - you just have act with the best information that you do have and make a decision base on that, and trust that it is the right decision. You don't know if that decision will make you fall or if it will help you rise above others. But isn't that better than not going for it at all?
I don't know why watching the Olympics, especially Ice Dancing (something that I've probably seen maybe three times in my life - btw, it's pretty cool, it's like mixing Skating with the Stars with Dancing with the Stars - hahaha), made me think of all these things. Perhaps it's the cough syrup, or perhaps I know the disappointment of rising and then falling so fast you don't know what hit you. Whatever it is, I feel bad for the Italians. But hey, at least they have the whole country behind them, right?
Sunday, February 19, 2006
Breakaway
February 19, 2006 - As Kelly Clarkson said (or sung):
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly/ I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky
I'll make a wish/ Take a chance/ Make a change/ and breakaway
Sometimes life is about taking that chance, making that change. It's scary, because you're venturing into the unknown. You're out of the comfort zone, out of an environment where you feel safe, where you feel so sure of yourself. But if you're forever stuck in that zone, you will never know what lies beyond - something greater, something better could be waiting for you at the other side - just hoping, and praying that you would take the chance, make that change, and breakaway.
Of course, you have to make sure that breaking away is worth it - as in, it has to make you happy. Life is too short to be unhappy all the time - when you know that something is out there, within reach, that could make you happy, you just have take the opportunity and go for it - i.e. take a chance, make that change, and breakaway.
I guess that's the motto that I have been living on the past couple of years. Like my friend Joyce said, we all just want to be happy - and isn't being happy what life is all about. It's a really scary world out there - you don't know what's going to happen, you don't know if you'll get hurt - but unless you go and venture out of that comfort zone, you might miss out on a lot of good things - things that you could never even possibly imagine.
So thanks Kelly, I will take a chance, make that change, and breakaway =)
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly/ I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky
I'll make a wish/ Take a chance/ Make a change/ and breakaway
Sometimes life is about taking that chance, making that change. It's scary, because you're venturing into the unknown. You're out of the comfort zone, out of an environment where you feel safe, where you feel so sure of yourself. But if you're forever stuck in that zone, you will never know what lies beyond - something greater, something better could be waiting for you at the other side - just hoping, and praying that you would take the chance, make that change, and breakaway.
Of course, you have to make sure that breaking away is worth it - as in, it has to make you happy. Life is too short to be unhappy all the time - when you know that something is out there, within reach, that could make you happy, you just have take the opportunity and go for it - i.e. take a chance, make that change, and breakaway.
I guess that's the motto that I have been living on the past couple of years. Like my friend Joyce said, we all just want to be happy - and isn't being happy what life is all about. It's a really scary world out there - you don't know what's going to happen, you don't know if you'll get hurt - but unless you go and venture out of that comfort zone, you might miss out on a lot of good things - things that you could never even possibly imagine.
So thanks Kelly, I will take a chance, make that change, and breakaway =)
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
You and Me
February 14, 2006 - In honour of Valentine's Day, I thought I would blog about some of my favourite cheesiest, sappiest ballads that I somehow, still listen to - often in a regular basis. Maybe it's the lyrics, or maybe because these songs were there for me through some of my worst times. But I couldn't help it, whenever these songs pop up on my I-Tune, or on the radio, I would just sing along. So here are some of my all-time favourites:
1) You and Me - Lifehouse
All of the things that I want to say just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words
You've got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here
Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you
Why I like it: This is definitely one of my current favourites! Perhaps it's because Lifehouse has always been one of my favourite bands. But the lyrics here just got to me - it definitely highlights all those feelings of uncertainty, of "I'm not sure why I'm feeling like this but I just do." Wow I feel like such a sap just writing this.
2) My Love - Westlife
An empty street
An empty house
A hole inside my heart
I'm all alone and the rooms are getting smaller
So i say a little prayer, and hope my dreams will take me there
Where the skies are blue to see you once again, my love
Overseas from coast to coast, to find the place I love the most,
Where the fields are green, to see you once again, my love.
Why I like it: This song goes way back with me, back to a time when "an empty street, an empty house, a hole inside my heart" pretty much described how I was feeling. "Overseas from coast to coast.." also resonate, particularly the "..to see you once again" part. Sigh. The song still haunts me today.
3) As Long as You Love Me - Backstreet Boys
Although loneliness has always been a friend of mine
I'm leaving my life in your hands
People say I'm crazy and that I am blind
Risking it all in a glance
And how you got me blind is still a mystery
I can't get you out of my head
Don't care what is written in your history
As long as you're here with me
Why I like it: The lyrics says it all - I mean how much sweeter do you want to get? Again, it pretty much talks about taking a chance, taking a risk - and just go with it!
4) The Ghost of You and Me - BB Mak
I didn'’t mean to fall in love with you
And baby there's a name for what you put me through
It isn'’t love, it'’s robbery
I'm sleeping with the ghost of you and me
Why I like it: It's bitter, I know. But like "My Love", this song was with me for a long time, during those dark days several years ago. I particularly like the last two lines of the first verse.
5) Never Had A Dream Come True - S Club 7
I never had a dream come true
Till that day that I found you
Even though I pretend that I've moved on
You'll always be my baby
I never found the words to say
You're the one I think about each day
And I know no matter where love takes me to
A part of me will always be with you
Why I like it: Again, a little too sappy I know. The title along probably makes you want to gag. I like the last 2 lines the best though. The rest is a little too much even for me, but this song was on mp3 players for the longest time - and still is.
6) My Everything - 98 Degrees
The loneliness of nights alone
The search for strength to carry on
My every hope has seemed to die
My eyes had no more tears to cry
Then like the sun shining up above
You surrounded me with your endless love
Coz all the things I couldn't see are now so clear to me
Why I like it: This was THE song not that many Valentine's ago. I still remember I was sitting on the bus that Valentine's Day, listening to the song, thinking how great life is. I still like it - especially the verses in between the chorus. - but it's funny how all those feelings behind the song back then has long disappeared.
And now for my all time favourite, chessey, sappy song:
7) This I Promise You - N'Sync
When visions around you,
Bring tears to your eyes,
And all that surround you,
Are secrets and lies
I'll be your strength,
I'll give you hope,
Keeping your faith when it's gone
The one you should call,
Is standing here all alone...
Why I like it: I could post the lyrics to the entire song here. I mean, what's there not to like about it if you're looking for a little sappiness - he's promising to be there for you, for the rest of your life, telling you that his arms is where you belong. Sheesh. I know - pass me a bucket so I could throw up now - but yet, I still like it - it gets to me. I know, pathetic eh?
Well at least I didn't put James Blunt's "You're Beautiful" in here! hehehe.
Happy Valentine's Day =)
1) You and Me - Lifehouse
All of the things that I want to say just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words
You've got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here
Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you
Why I like it: This is definitely one of my current favourites! Perhaps it's because Lifehouse has always been one of my favourite bands. But the lyrics here just got to me - it definitely highlights all those feelings of uncertainty, of "I'm not sure why I'm feeling like this but I just do." Wow I feel like such a sap just writing this.
2) My Love - Westlife
An empty street
An empty house
A hole inside my heart
I'm all alone and the rooms are getting smaller
So i say a little prayer, and hope my dreams will take me there
Where the skies are blue to see you once again, my love
Overseas from coast to coast, to find the place I love the most,
Where the fields are green, to see you once again, my love.
Why I like it: This song goes way back with me, back to a time when "an empty street, an empty house, a hole inside my heart" pretty much described how I was feeling. "Overseas from coast to coast.." also resonate, particularly the "..to see you once again" part. Sigh. The song still haunts me today.
3) As Long as You Love Me - Backstreet Boys
Although loneliness has always been a friend of mine
I'm leaving my life in your hands
People say I'm crazy and that I am blind
Risking it all in a glance
And how you got me blind is still a mystery
I can't get you out of my head
Don't care what is written in your history
As long as you're here with me
Why I like it: The lyrics says it all - I mean how much sweeter do you want to get? Again, it pretty much talks about taking a chance, taking a risk - and just go with it!
4) The Ghost of You and Me - BB Mak
I didn'’t mean to fall in love with you
And baby there's a name for what you put me through
It isn'’t love, it'’s robbery
I'm sleeping with the ghost of you and me
Why I like it: It's bitter, I know. But like "My Love", this song was with me for a long time, during those dark days several years ago. I particularly like the last two lines of the first verse.
5) Never Had A Dream Come True - S Club 7
I never had a dream come true
Till that day that I found you
Even though I pretend that I've moved on
You'll always be my baby
I never found the words to say
You're the one I think about each day
And I know no matter where love takes me to
A part of me will always be with you
Why I like it: Again, a little too sappy I know. The title along probably makes you want to gag. I like the last 2 lines the best though. The rest is a little too much even for me, but this song was on mp3 players for the longest time - and still is.
6) My Everything - 98 Degrees
The loneliness of nights alone
The search for strength to carry on
My every hope has seemed to die
My eyes had no more tears to cry
Then like the sun shining up above
You surrounded me with your endless love
Coz all the things I couldn't see are now so clear to me
Why I like it: This was THE song not that many Valentine's ago. I still remember I was sitting on the bus that Valentine's Day, listening to the song, thinking how great life is. I still like it - especially the verses in between the chorus. - but it's funny how all those feelings behind the song back then has long disappeared.
And now for my all time favourite, chessey, sappy song:
7) This I Promise You - N'Sync
When visions around you,
Bring tears to your eyes,
And all that surround you,
Are secrets and lies
I'll be your strength,
I'll give you hope,
Keeping your faith when it's gone
The one you should call,
Is standing here all alone...
Why I like it: I could post the lyrics to the entire song here. I mean, what's there not to like about it if you're looking for a little sappiness - he's promising to be there for you, for the rest of your life, telling you that his arms is where you belong. Sheesh. I know - pass me a bucket so I could throw up now - but yet, I still like it - it gets to me. I know, pathetic eh?
Well at least I didn't put James Blunt's "You're Beautiful" in here! hehehe.
Happy Valentine's Day =)
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