Being Linguistically Challenged

Friday, August 12th - Once upon a time, I used to think that my communication skills were top-notch. I never had problems expressing myself as a kid - whether it was verbally or in words. Then I started high school and I think that was when my problems with languages began - my Chinese went downhill; I only did well in English because I could write decent papers; I failed miserably in French because of my improper grammar. Fortunately, university got better since I was pretty much stuck behind a computer all the time.

My struggle with languages continues till this day. It's not like I can't speak properly - it's just that I have problems translating the thoughts in my head to words. Often, this problem comes up when I'm trying to have a normal everyday conversation with someone. I guess I just don't do small talk well. Perhaps it's because I get nervous, or perhaps I get scared that I might use the wrong word, or say something stupid. Usually I would end up going "uh-huh" or "that's right". Sometimes I even need to pause, stop and think about what I need to say - as in put sentences together in my head before I actually say it. It really really sucks. What I find helps is for me to write down what I want to say on paper - whether just a few words or the complete sentences - just so I could speak properly...

Unfortunately though, I can't do that every time someone calls. What ends up happening then is I might end up rambling, or saying something that doesn't make any sense at all (like I would misuse words, or my sentences would be grammatically incorrect). It's frustrating sometimes because 1) It makes me sound like I'm retarded 2) It makes me angry when people don't understand me 3) It pisses the person on the other end off because he/she cannot understand me. What ends up happening then is I get upset and I don't feel like talking anymore, so I would just hang up.

Most of the time I get angry because I have no idea why the person on the other line cannot understand me - couldn't they at least put the main ideas of my sentences together (no matter how incorrect they are) and figure out what I'm trying to say ? and when the person on the other line gets annoyed with their "WHAT ?" or "HUH ?"s , I get even more upset because it makes me feel so stupid...

So what should I do ? should I start writing my thoughts down so I could have something ready whenever the phone rings ? or should I just avoid these casual conversations (which is such an important part of daily life) ? Should I take a course or something ? like what the f*#& is wrong with me ? Why can't I speak properly like a normal regular person ?

40 Days Later...

August 6th, 2005 - Is it just me, or does time go by EXTREMELY FAST once you start work. So I have been working full time for close to a month and a half now. I have to say that not only am I starting to get used to it, I think I might be starting to like it as well. Sure, there are still many aspects of the job that I don't necessarily enjoy (for example, most of the people there still treat me like I just got out of high school, which is annoying because I don't even get a chance to show them that I can do the job), but overall, I've met some really cool people and the work that I have been assigned are still somewhat interesting. Hopefully as time goes on, I will be assigned more challenging work...

In other news, I have also decided not to do the GIS Certificate Program at Ryerson as planned. After thinking over it for a few days, I have concluded that as much as I would like to learn more GIS, I really don't need it right now (especially if I'm to continue on with my policy development work). Not to mention that the idea of going back to school scares me, even if it's just part time. So instead of doing a certificate program, I figured perhaps I should take a "fun" course - something that would be enjoyable. Perhaps I should take a cooking class ? Or maybe I should learn how to play the guitar ?!

Maybe Amazing ?!

July 15th/16th, 2005 - The word "interesting" wouldn't even describe how this night has been. Though at the moment, I can't think of another word, perhaps it's because it's close to 3 am ?

So after months of playing dumb, I finally told my best friend Freeman of what has really been going on in my life. He wasn't surprised at all - primarily because he has known about it all along - but has just been waiting for me to tell him in person. He listened and asked a lot of questions as I try to explain how I went from dating girls to dating boys. He was also very interested in the whole Eddie thing - which by the way, he wasn't surprised either, as he says that I have a history of "attracting" drama (umm, sure...). So now at least he knows (almost) everything - and I feel much better knowing that he knows...

Part of the reason why I told him was because I wanted someone to go with me to Jason's show (how weird would it be for me to go there by myself ?). Given that I'm an easy target for teasing, it shouldn't surprised anyone that I was teased non-stop throughout Jason's gig (FYI: "Maybe Amazing" is NOT about me !). But that's the way Freeman is (ever since junior high, almost 11 years ago), and it's good to know that despite everything, things haven't changed between us. Though, of course, I wish he would talk to me about his stuff too...

Jason's show was amazing. Since they played last though, there weren't as many people around as I thought there would be. I have to admit that I felt like a proud parent showing off his kid tonight. It was great for my friends to meet him. It was a bit weird, particularly since Eddie and Paul were there (that's definitely for another blog) but overall, it was a fun night.

So now at least a few of my friends know...I guess it should get easier right ?

HARRY POTTER CAME OUT TONIGHT !

Terror in London

July 7, 2005 - New York, Bali, Madrid, and now, London.

The terrorist attacks in London struck a particular nerve. My guess is because for some reason, I feel particularly close to the city - even more so than NYC. There are a couple of reasons for this, one being I was in London only last year and I travelled extensively on the Tube. In fact, I've passed through all 3 of the tube stations that were bombed. Paddington, the station where I travelled to and from every day for over a week, is only one station away from Edgware Road. So when I heard they bombed the Circle Line, I couldn't help but feel numb.

Secondly, the fact that they targeted the public transit system made the attacks seem more personal. Mainly because like millions (if not billions) of people around the world, I use public transit everyday. To target innocent transit riders, many of them regular people who are just trying to make a living by getting to and from work, is very crowardly. Not to mention, it brings the attacks closer to home - what if it had happened here ? what would I do if a bomb goes off one day at College station ? would I be able to remain calm and evacuate the train ?

My frineds would think I'm being paranoid - sure they would never attack Toronto - they probably don't even know where Toronto is. But then again, why do I always feel like Canada is a sitting duck, waiting for something to happen ? If you look at our transit system, it's such an easy target for terrorists, psychos, and anyone else who wants to cause mayhem. Are we, the transit riders, asking too much to have officers patrol our trains ? or better yet, have TTC employees who actually care about the well-being of their passengers ?

Anyway kudos to London for getting back onto its feet so quickly. That city has guts and courage. Too bad I don't know if I can say the same if something similar does indeed happen in Toronto...