Thinking

February 28, 2006 - The past several days have been tough. It involved a lot of thinking, a lot of questioning and deep soul-searching. I know it sounds totally dramatic, but I don't know how else to describe it. When you have to decide what you want to do, and knowing that the decision will affect others, it's a big responsibility. I took my time though and really thought things through: what is it that I want in life? am I heading the right direction? is this what I really really want?

The decision turned out to be easier than I thought. The answer was right there all along, I just had to find it. But the journey itself was rewarding - it made me realize that what I have been doing, or the way that I have been approaching things (i.e. relationships, work, and life in general) isn't exactly right. Changes will have to be made but I know if I put my heart to it (and I really will this time), I can do it.

So it's the finally the last day of February - is it just me, or has this month been really brutal?

The Mozart Experience

February 25, 2006 - 2006 marks the 250th anniversary of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart's birth. All around the world, there have been concerts, performances and musical tributes to the classical composer. While I would like to be in Salzburg to check out the Mozart Festival (and hopefully I'll get to do that if I do decide to go to Europe in the fall), the best I could do for now is to take advantage of the local orchestras and performances - and that was what I did. Tonight, I went to my first Mozart concert in a long time.

My sister bought tickets to go see the Tafelmusik Orchestra's "Mozart at the Piano" concert at the Trinity-St. Paul's Centre. The concert featured two key pieces of Mozart's: Concerto for fortepiano no. 24 in C Minor, and Symphony no. 31 in D Major. Now even though I took music all the way through school, I must admit that much of what I had learned (including my ability to play the violin) have pretty much been forgotten. So throughout the concert, I had to ask my sister what specific things mean, such as: what's the difference between allegro, larghetto, and allegretto?

The concert itself was pretty cool - I got to see the fortepiano for the first time (which is really like a normal piano, except the white keys are black and the black keys are white). The pianist was really really good. Seeing him move his fingers was impressive enough. One thing that I really liked about the concert was this "improvised" section. The pianist asked the audience to submit bars of music during the intermission, and afterwards, selected 4 submissions randomly and created a piece out of it. It was amazing because: 1) he was able to link individual bars together that do not even seem to link up at all; 2) the audience was quite knowledgeable about music - one of the submissions was from these two 12 year old girls!

So overall, it was a neat experience. I wasn't bored at all - I was actually pretty awestruck just watching the bows of the first violins go up and down (for the record, I played 2nd violin in high school). It was fun and entertaining =) definitely have to thank my sister for asking me to go with her...

Funny story: I seriously have to work on my parallel parking! It has been awhile since I have driven downtown and needless to say, I had major problems parking my car along the sidestreets. It was actually quite embarrassing when I got stuck and all these cars were behind me waiting for me to either park or pull out. I blame the snow though of course =)

Vancouver?

February 22, 2006 - So the last couple of blogs have been a little dramatic and emotional, but now that things have cooled off a bit (well kinda), I thought I would shift gear and write about something else - I guess mainly to get my normal, ordinary life back in order, but also I'm a little bit tired of writing about my relationship problems and my quarterlife crisis. So I thought I would write about one of my favourite topics (other than planning): going on vacation!

Now I have to say that the last time that I went on a real vacation was back in May 2004, when I went to Europe. That was probably the best trip I have ever gone on - mainly because we planned the trip by ourselves, with no help from anyone. Since then I have gone on side trips (Buffalo and Cambridge came to mind), but I definitely would not call them a "vacation".

With things not going so well for me lately, the desire to just go away has gotten stronger than ever. Each time I walk past Flight Centre, I feel like going in and telling them to book me a flight to Paris for the next day. And you know, if I have the nerve, I could probably do it too. But as usual, I get scared by the thought of travelling by myself and I drop the idea before I could even seriously consider it...

But that might change! My grandmother recently gave me all her airmiles and now I have enough to fly to anywhere in North America - for free! The problem is I have to book my ticket by April 1, 2006, but at this point, I have no idea where I want to go. I don't want to let those miles go to waste either - so I will have to think of something fast. Right now, the idea of Seattle/Vancouver sounds good - I have never been to Seattle, and I have always wanted to go back to Vancouver (I still want to move there eventually, but that dream seems to fade as each day goes by). San Francisco is a good possibility too. I haven't been to that city in over 10 years and I'm pretty sure that things have changed considerably.

I guess going to Seattle/Vancouver might win out - I do know a few people in the city (though I know a lot more people who have moved from Van to TO), so I guess I could visit them, but then again, I don't know them THAT well, so I probably won't be spending too much time with them either (not to mention they are probably too busy to deal with me). But still, I will have to pay for accommodation, which will be pricey. At the same time, I will still be travelling by myself - though I'm pretty sure I can handle being on my own for a few days in Vancouver. Hmm, now the more that I think about it, the more I think I can do it!

There's also that major Canadian Planners Conference in Vancouver in June. I tried to write a proposal at work to see if they could send me to attend (that way, I'll get to have free accommodation & airfare), but chances of that are real slim now, especially since our director doesn't want us to attend conferences that are outside the province. So maybe I could go on my own...but June seems so far away. I want to go somewhere, like NOW. To quote Kelly Clarkson (again):

Wanna feel the warm breeze / Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get onboard a fast train/ Travel on a jet plane, far away
I will breakaway

Maybe I should just do it. It's only Vancouver. I can handle that, right?

Wake me up when February ends

February 21, 2006 - I woke up this morning and the first thought that ran through my head was: tell me it was all just a really bad dream.

But it wasn't a dream. It was real. And within seconds, I realized it would not go away. It is something that I can't hide from, and something that I'll need to face up to and deal with. I was sitting on the bed, with the clock ticking and my mind racing: what in the world was I thinking?

I knew it was wrong right from the start. My gut told me I shouldn't be doing this. It's not right, it would never work. The complications that arise from it would cause extreme heartbreaks and tears - that both of us should not have to deal with. Someone will get hurt, and everything that I have ever believed in - particularly about myself, could be lost. My biggest fear will come out of it and there's no way things could ever turn back.

But I still did it. And I don't know why.

Was it for the thrill? Was it because I'm unhappy with my life and I felt that a change would be good? Was it because I'm lonely and I felt I needed the attention? Why would I do something that I knew would backfire on me - especially when I don't feel too good about it?

Maybe it was all the above.

For so long, it was what I wanted. I've dreamed about it for so long - even back when I knew nothing was ever going to happen, I still held out hope for it. Now that I have it though, I question myself about it. Is this what I want? Am I ready for this? What if things don't work out? What if he decides one day that he's had enough and disappears? What if he isn't THE one? There are so many questions, so many unknowns, and even though I keep telling myself that life is about risks and taking chances, it's still such a scary world out there.

I'm scared - I really am. I'm scared of losing him. I'm scared of not being able to be the person that he wants me to be (or even the person that I want to be). I'm scared things won't work out and I'll be back to square one - back to where I was just a few years ago. I'm scared that I won't be happy, that he won't be happy. Most importantly, I'm scared of disappointing him.

Obviously I have some major issues to work through. The clock is ticking though, and time won't wait.

If this is all just a dream though, I want to wake up, like now!

Life - as I know it

February 20, 2006 - It's funny how life is. One moment you're on top of the world, a split second later, you could be spiraling down so fast that you don't know when you will hit rock bottom.

Take Italians figure skaters Barbara Fusar Poli and Maurizio Margaglio. Going into Sunday''s Olympic Original Dance competition, the Italians were on top of the world. They were sitting in the gold medal position, having danced/skated a flawless performance just two nights ago, in front of their home crowd - even though both have not skated competitively for four years. They decided to come out of retirement for the Turin Olympics, hoping, for that one last shot of glory.

Their performance was definitely sizzling - you couldn't take your eyes off them - and with the home crowd cheering and waving Italian flags everywhere, you would think they would feed off the audience's energy. And they did - until the last 5 seconds of their program, when both fell in a lift that they had practiced and done successfully so many times before. Stunned, the two were unable to react after the music stopped, and could only stare at each other with a WTF just happened written all over their foreheads. The two had fallen off the pedestal in just 2.5 minutes, with their shot for Olympic glory pretty much gone.

It's sad that this is what life is about. You have your highs, yet you have your lows. When you have your lows, you wonder why you're in such a position. Was it because you didn't cherish the moment when you were up high? Was it because you had unrealistic hopes and goals that were unreachable? the worst is when you know it's not your fault - it was because someone had done something that caused your downfall - yet you have no one to blame but yourself, because you were too trustworthy, or had too much hope and faith that any outsider could say you were being foolish to have set yourself so high up in the first place.

But how would you know when you're at your high if you have never experienced your lows? And unfortunately we don't know when the highs and lows will come. I'd like to think that life is like that - you just have act with the best information that you do have and make a decision base on that, and trust that it is the right decision. You don't know if that decision will make you fall or if it will help you rise above others. But isn't that better than not going for it at all?

I don't know why watching the Olympics, especially Ice Dancing (something that I've probably seen maybe three times in my life - btw, it's pretty cool, it's like mixing Skating with the Stars with Dancing with the Stars - hahaha), made me think of all these things. Perhaps it's the cough syrup, or perhaps I know the disappointment of rising and then falling so fast you don't know what hit you. Whatever it is, I feel bad for the Italians. But hey, at least they have the whole country behind them, right?

Breakaway

February 19, 2006 - As Kelly Clarkson said (or sung):

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly/ I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky
I'll make a wish/ Take a chance/ Make a change/ and breakaway

Sometimes life is about taking that chance, making that change. It's scary, because you're venturing into the unknown. You're out of the comfort zone, out of an environment where you feel safe, where you feel so sure of yourself. But if you're forever stuck in that zone, you will never know what lies beyond - something greater, something better could be waiting for you at the other side - just hoping, and praying that you would take the chance, make that change, and breakaway.

Of course, you have to make sure that breaking away is worth it - as in, it has to make you happy. Life is too short to be unhappy all the time - when you know that something is out there, within reach, that could make you happy, you just have take the opportunity and go for it - i.e. take a chance, make that change, and breakaway.

I guess that's the motto that I have been living on the past couple of years. Like my friend Joyce said, we all just want to be happy - and isn't being happy what life is all about. It's a really scary world out there - you don't know what's going to happen, you don't know if you'll get hurt - but unless you go and venture out of that comfort zone, you might miss out on a lot of good things - things that you could never even possibly imagine.


So thanks Kelly, I will take a chance, make that change, and breakaway =)

You and Me

February 14, 2006 - In honour of Valentine's Day, I thought I would blog about some of my favourite cheesiest, sappiest ballads that I somehow, still listen to - often in a regular basis. Maybe it's the lyrics, or maybe because these songs were there for me through some of my worst times. But I couldn't help it, whenever these songs pop up on my I-Tune, or on the radio, I would just sing along. So here are some of my all-time favourites:

1) You and Me - Lifehouse

All of the things that I want to say just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words
You've got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

Why I like it: This is definitely one of my current favourites! Perhaps it's because Lifehouse has always been one of my favourite bands. But the lyrics here just got to me - it definitely highlights all those feelings of uncertainty, of "I'm not sure why I'm feeling like this but I just do." Wow I feel like such a sap just writing this.

2) My Love - Westlife

An empty street
An empty house
A hole inside my heart
I'm all alone and the rooms are getting smaller

So i say a little prayer, and hope my dreams will take me there
Where the skies are blue to see you once again, my love
Overseas from coast to coast, to find the place I love the most,
Where the fields are green, to see you once again, my love.

Why I like it: This song goes way back with me, back to a time when "an empty street, an empty house, a hole inside my heart" pretty much described how I was feeling. "Overseas from coast to coast.." also resonate, particularly the "..to see you once again" part. Sigh. The song still haunts me today.

3) As Long as You Love Me - Backstreet Boys

Although loneliness has always been a friend of mine
I'm leaving my life in your hands
People say I'm crazy and that I am blind
Risking it all in a glance
And how you got me blind is still a mystery
I can't get you out of my head
Don't care what is written in your history
As long as you're here with me

Why I like it: The lyrics says it all - I mean how much sweeter do you want to get? Again, it pretty much talks about taking a chance, taking a risk - and just go with it!

4) The Ghost of You and Me - BB Mak

I didn'’t mean to fall in love with you
And baby there's a name for what you put me through
It isn'’t love, it'’s robbery
I'm sleeping with the ghost of you and me

Why I like it: It's bitter, I know. But like "My Love", this song was with me for a long time, during those dark days several years ago. I particularly like the last two lines of the first verse.

5) Never Had A Dream Come True - S Club 7

I never had a dream come true
Till that day that I found you
Even though I pretend that I've moved on
You'll always be my baby

I never found the words to say
You're the one I think about each day
And I know no matter where love takes me to
A part of me will always be with you

Why I like it: Again, a little too sappy I know. The title along probably makes you want to gag. I like the last 2 lines the best though. The rest is a little too much even for me, but this song was on mp3 players for the longest time - and still is.

6) My Everything - 98 Degrees

The loneliness of nights alone
The search for strength to carry on
My every hope has seemed to die
My eyes had no more tears to cry
Then like the sun shining up above
You surrounded me with your endless love
Coz all the things I couldn't see are now so clear to me

Why I like it: This was THE song not that many Valentine's ago. I still remember I was sitting on the bus that Valentine's Day, listening to the song, thinking how great life is. I still like it - especially the verses in between the chorus. - but it's funny how all those feelings behind the song back then has long disappeared.

And now for my all time favourite, chessey, sappy song:

7) This I Promise You - N'Sync

When visions around you,
Bring tears to your eyes,
And all that surround you,
Are secrets and lies
I'll be your strength,
I'll give you hope,
Keeping your faith when it's gone
The one you should call,
Is standing here all alone...

Why I like it: I could post the lyrics to the entire song here. I mean, what's there not to like about it if you're looking for a little sappiness - he's promising to be there for you, for the rest of your life, telling you that his arms is where you belong. Sheesh. I know - pass me a bucket so I could throw up now - but yet, I still like it - it gets to me. I know, pathetic eh?

Well at least I didn't put James Blunt's "You're Beautiful" in here! hehehe.

Happy Valentine's Day =)

Watching the Olympics

February 12, 2006 - Are you watching the Olympics?

Chances are you are either drawn to the hype, or you simply don't care. For me though, I have to admit that I am definitely drawn to the 2006 Torino Winter Olympics. Compare to previous Olympics though, these games seem to have a much lower profile (as compared to say Salt Lake City in 2002). Perhaps it's because the games are being played out in Europe, in a little town that no one has really heard of; or maybe because these games are really looked upon as the precursor to Vancouver 2010 - which we all know will be what the entire country will pay attention to in just 4 years.

Personally, I find the Winter Olympics much more interesting than the Summer Games. I guess the primary reason is that Canada does much much better in the Winter Olympics. I also think the winter sports are much cooler to watch - I can't think of anything sports that are in the Winter Games that I don't like watching, whereas for the Summer Games, the only ones that I really care to watch are swimming, diving, and beach volleyball. Plus, am I the only ones who think the winter athletes are much hotter than the summer ones?

Watching the Olympics also brings this warm fuzzy feeling too - maybe it's because I know I will never win an Olympic medal - but also the games bring the world together, and for 2 weeks, we focus our attention on these athletes - on friendship, on sportsmanship, and on cooperation - something that we definitely don't see regularly enough on tv.

So here are some my favourite memories from watching the Olympics over the years. My earliest goes back to 1994, since I don't quite remember watching the games before then...

1994 - Lillehammer, Norway: Who can forget the Nancy Kerrigan-Tonya Harding skating scandal that took centre stage at these Olympics. The one thing I remember was Tonya Harding failing miserably in the finals (her laces broke or something?) while Nancy Kerrigan went on to win a silver medal.

1996- Atlanta, USA: I was in summer school that year when the Olympics took place. My best memory of those games was our teacher actually stopping his lesson so we could watch Donovan Bailey run the 100m heat trials. Bailey went on to win the gold medal - which I watched from home.

1998 - Nagano, Japan: Elvis Stojko won the silver medal despite his injuries was remarkable to watch. Ross Rebagaliati won gold in snowboarding (which I watched live in the morning) but is probably remember by most as the athlete who "inhaled" but not "smoked" pot. Michelle Kwan, who I had a big crush on growing up, lost the gold medal to 15 year old Tara Lipinski in figure skating.

2000- Sydney, Australia: Best memory was watching Simon Whitfield winning the gold medal in triathlon on my way out that night. The course was memorable since it featured great views of the Sydney Harbour. I remember watching rowing, but that's pretty much it.

2002- Salt Lake City, USA: Aside from the gold medal hockey game (which I think everyone watched), my best memory is probably watching Jamie Sale and David Pelletier skate to their well deserved, though belated gold medal. The two probably owe their medal to the media, who advocated endlessly for the pair. These games also forever changed the way figure skating is judged.

2004- Athens, Greece: I don't have any memories of these games, aside from how much I would love to check out Athens. This of course, coincides with Athens being Canada's worst Olympic performance in recent memory.

So there you go, and for the next two weeks, I'll probably watch more sports that I have in the past 6 months. And maybe, just maybe, watching the Olympics will entice me enough to go out there and try a new sport - anyone up for ski jumping?

And the week goes by...

February 3, 2006 - This week couldn't have gone by fast enough. Even though I had a relatively short work week (I called in sick on Monday), it felt like it just would not end. I guess it didn't help that things have been kinda weird lately and then on Thursday morning, my mom called to tell me that my sister's in the hospital! So let's do a quick recap of what happened...

Monday: It was nice spending a day in the apartment doing nothing. Sure I was suffering from killer headaches, but it was great just sitting around, watching tv, surfing the web. You're probably thinking: that's what you do everyday though, Felix! it's true, but it feels so different when you're doing it DURING THE DAY, when you know you're supposed to be at work.

Tuesday: Things are getting better with regards to the things that I was going through (re: last blog). It really helped that I was able to talk about it and it also helped that I had some time to think it through. I think I'm feeling much better now and I think the issues have been settled...

Wednesday: Even though I was away on Monday, work has been unusually slow this week for some reason. I spent most of today just sitting around, reading reports that weren't really useful nor important. I have a feeling I'll pay for this though...

Thursday: So my mom woke me up at 7 am this morning to let me know my sister was rushed to the ER last night. Apparently the flu virus got into her heart and was causing her heart to beat at an abnormally rapid pace. It was even scarier when she told me that the doctor had tried 2 different types of drugs and both of them have failed to lower her heart rate and her fever. When she called, they were still waiting for the cardiologist to show up (gotta love our waiting times at the hospital). Eventually though, the cardiologist showed up, ran a whole bunch of tests on my sister, and sent her home (after of course giving her this other drug which eventually lowered her heart rate and fever). But it was scary - since I was totally out of the loop and I felt like there was nothing I could do. I did offer to go back up to Markham to see them, but my parents said I wouldn't be of much help anyway (which is true). They did call me with updates though, so that was good. But still, it was definitely scary.

Friday: So today's finally Friday. I decided to go home early to see my sister. It was nice to see she's doing ok. It also made me think: despite, how much she annoys me on a regular basis, I think we really do care for each other. And now that I've moved out and we don't see each other as often, our relationship has even improved - as in we're more civil to each other than we ever have been. It's nice actually. hmm..does that mean we've finally grown up?