New Year's Eve 2006

December 31, 2006 - The last day of the year - and I can't wait to say goodbye to '06.

Looking back, I wouldn't say 2006 was a really bad year - but the way that this year has ended has pretty much erased any good will that had accumulated over the past 11 months. It was a year of more changes, more growth, and more challenges. It was also a year of tremendous sadness and heartbreaks.

So I looked back at my New Year's Eve 2005 post and see if I had set out to do everything I wanted to do in '06. Here was what I wrote back then:

Looking forward to 2006: well I guess my job is more stable now that I'm no longer on contract - at least now I know I have a permanent job! So what would I like to do in 2006? definitely would like to travel more, take a couple of courses or two (cooking class is on top of my list now), gain weight (man, that should be my priority eh..), read more often, and experience more of what the City has to offer =) Would be nice if I could save enough for a down payment by the end of the year too...

Let's see here - well in '06, I switched jobs (found a better one + a promotion too); I definitely traveled (Europe + NYC + the occasional weekend trip); joined the gym and did a 10K run; I took a course (European architecture); read slightly more I guess (5 books? i know i could read more!); and did try to check out the city as much as I could! So I guess I did a lot of what I had hoped to do in '05...

I think I will blog about what I want to do in '07 later - but I have a few things in mind. The first of course is to get over and move on from all the shit that happened this month. =S

As for how I'm celebrating the new year? sadly, just like how I welcomed '06 last year: home, bored, alone. So that's the one thing that I haven't achieved, as I recall from last year:

Another new goal for 2006: countdown at Times Square in New York City next New Year's Eve! but I guess a more realistic one would be: err..try not to be alone on New Year's Eve...

Goodbye '06, and everything that goes with it. So many dreams, so much promise - but you turned out to be a bust after all.

[edit: I was pretty depressed when I wrote that - so now that I've had time to calm down, I have to say that 2006 was not all doom and gloom. It was a great year in terms of personal growth and I really did a lot of what I had set out to do this year. I am looking forward to '07 - and I think I know what I'll need to do to make the most out of the new year =)]

2006: Photo Recap

December 30, 2006 - I was going through my dvds and I found one disc full of pictures that were taken over the past year. It's sorta a nice recap of all the big "events" this past year - though I'm pretty sure I missed many of them (mainly because I don't carry my camera with me all the time). Notice how my hair went from spikey to flat over the course of the year!


From top to bottom: Construction of Minto Quantum: my future condo! (February); Toronto Street Festival @ Yonge/Eglinton (July); New York/New Jersey trip (August); Chinese Lantern Festival @ Ontario Place (September); Germany/Austria trip: Frankfurt Train Station (November); Germany/Austria trip: Berlin Reichstag (November).

I'm missing a number of other events: Pride (June); Taste of the Danforth (August); Harbourfront Design Demonstration (August), Toronto International Film Festival (September), etc [Note to self: bring your camera with you all the time next year]. Rather than post pictures that are not mine, you can see them here - at Jason's photo site.

And that's how it ends

December 29, 2006 - There comes a time when you simply have to admit that something is over. There's no more thinking, no more analyzing, because at this particular time, no matter how much you want to hang on - the truth is it's over. And it's time to move on.

The sadness has slowly turned into disappointment. You just cannot understand how someone can simply cut you out of your life like that. And the disappointment will probably linger for a long time.

What do you do then? there really isn't much you can do except to look ahead. And what a great thing to do with the new year and all.

So let's start the countdown - no, not to the new year - but to B coming home!

Pictures from Germany/Austria

December 26, 2006 - I finally had time to go through all my pictures from Germany and Austria. A few of the highlights here. Hopefully I'll post the rest somewhere soon...


Note: Some of these pictures were actually taken by Jason (actually most of the better ones are his!). Check out his pictures here and his blog here. And thanks J for letting me post these pictures here.

It finally feels like Christmas

December 25, 2006 - It's Christmas Day - and for the first time this month, I'm actually feeling good and enjoying my day! Couldn't ask for a better way to celebrate Christmas eh?

Reason for the mood change? I guess it's because I have finally come to terms with things that have been happening over the past several weeks. I mean, I'm still sad about it - but I think I have come to terms with it, and now it's time to move forward and see where things go from here.

I got some awesome gifts this year. The highlight: an ipod nano - seriously, I think I've wanted one for a long time, but it's one of those things that I will never buy for myself (sorta like wii?). But the thought that went to buying it, and then taking the time to put songs on it and everything - now that's thoughtfulness :) and I promise I will use it everyday and everywhere. A million thanks to you - for more than just the ipod really (you know who you are).

It's going to be different from now on - and somewhat scary. What a year it has been though.

Do I know it's Christmas afterall?

December 20, 2006 - As much as I try to ignore it, the signs of Christmas seem to have noticeably gotten stronger over the past few days. I mean it makes sense, given Christmas is only a few days away. It's not that I'm trying to skip Christmas this year, it's just that I'm not really in the mood to celebrate. It still just feels like every other day to me.

Even Christmas shopping didn't particularly excite me - and I didn't even have to spend any of my own money (thanks to my collection of gift cards). The mall was packed, the line ups were long, and the shopping felt more like a chore. What happened to the good old days when Christmas shopping was one of the highlights of the holiday season? And to top it off, I'm STILL not done. I better get my act together over the couple of days.

As for my lack of Christmas spirit? maybe going home will help. I guess I can always just sit in front of my parents' Christmas tree and stare. I can't remember the last time I looked so forward to going back to Markham!

Countdown to Christmas

December 17, 2006 - Wow, I'm like blogging everyday now. There could only be two reasons for this: 1) I must be really really bored; 2) I'm running out of people to talk to and blogging is the only way to get things out. I have to admit though, I'm really enjoying this return to blogging (the last few months have produced very few blogs).

So a week to go till Christmas - is it just me or does it NOT feel like Christmas at all? I guess the warm weather doesn't help. But then again, ever since I've graduated, the holidays don't really seem all that big anymore. I mean, part of the reason why I loved celebrating Christmas was because it marked the end of exams and the end of term. Now, Christmas is just a couple of days off at work. Well, not that I'm really in the mood to celebrate this year - given the current ugly situation I'm in now.

It's the end of the weekend again - as I mentioned, my parents celebrated their 30th anniversary this weekend. At dinner last night, this bombshell was dropped:

Me: So hey Flo, when you go to HK, you're going to have to buy me a new cell phone.
Sister: Didn't you hear? We're not going anymore. Dad's canceling the trip and refunding the tickets.
Me: What? (completely in shock) Why?
Dad: Well since you couldn't join us, it wouldn't be much of a family trip anyway.
Me: What? (still in shock)
Mom: We're thinking of moving it to November. That will give you a few more months to save up. Plus it would be cheaper then.
Me: Wow (speechless).

Shocking - especially since I was actually pretty bummed out for awhile that they decided to go without me (after I told them there is no way I can afford to go so soon after paying off my condo). So now there's a possibility that I'll be going in November. While that is nice, chances are I probably won't go in November anyway - especially now that I really like this idea of going on a few short trips instead of using up all my holidays on a big trip to Asia. Hmm...I think my grandmother is going to be disappointed though.

Speaking of trips - there's that Vegas trip in February that I'm worried about. Part of me just don't really want to go anymore. But because the airline tickets were a gift from my grandmother, I couldn't change the dates (since they were booked using air miles). After doing a little bit of research this weekend, I found that it's actually cheaper to do a 3 day side trip to somewhere along the West Coast then to spend all 6 days in Vegas (all of a sudden my interest went up). So where to? San Francisco is probably my first choice, though L.A. is also a good possibility. Seattle and Vancouver are a bit farther. But because there is a possibility that I will be going by myself, SF just seems a little bit more friendlier than L.A.

So the last week before Christmas - I gave it some thought as to how I'm going to be spend my holidays. I could sit here and be depressed and sad, or I could at least try to do things that I might enjoy. First thing on my list: Christmas shopping - and wait for it - for myself. I found over $250 dollars worth of gift cards lying around my apartment tonight. So what's better than to buy stuff for myself, but without using my own money?

But until I get the chance to hit the mall (I'm thinking Yorkdale), tomorrow is yet another work day - with a work Christmas party at night. Hopefully both will go by quickly though...

How to Save A Life

December 16, 2006 - Well what's new - crappiness continues yet another day. Seriously I think I'm getting really sick and tired of it. If I don't make a decision soon, I think I will either: 1) go insane; 2) kill someone; 3) kill someone because I have gone insane. Enough of this melodrama already - make a freakin decision - and dont' be afraid to go through with it.

If only it's that simple of course - then I wouldn't have dragged it out for over a week. Maybe I just need sometime alone - away from it all - and just think? Calling Markham...

During the week, I have been going through my iTunes almost nightly - adding and deleting songs, etc. This is the one that I have been listening to almost daily. I just really really like it - maybe it's the lyrics, maybe it's the Grey's Anatomy connection, or maybe it keeps reminding me of the person who sent it to me in the first place. Here's the first verse (sounds like a re-enactment from my life...):

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

It's my parents 30th anniversary today - how they managed to be together after 30 years is actually really amazing (and honestly, somewhat surprising too - given how their bad times have been really really bad). 30 years - and I can't even manage 3...kinda gives you some perspective eh.

Feeling Crappy - Part 9912

December 15, 2006 - It has been a long, tiring, emotionally draining, and just overall crappy week. I can't remember the last time that I have felt so bad for so long (perhaps during my undergrad "Organic Chemistry" days?). It's actually at the point now where I don't know what to say to anyone anymore. I'm not sure what to do and even worst, what to think. It's confusing and frustrating - and I'm THIS close to booking a ticket and flying somewhere to escape it all.

At least work has been extremely busy lately - which helps with taking my mind off things. Having said that, I can't remember how many times today I just stared out the window and let my mind wandered.

Christmas is in a week and starting this weekend, it looks like I will have to attend a few "mandatory" Christmas parties and celebrations - nearly all of them are work or family related. How I look forward to hanging around with a big group of people (half of them I don't really like or know anyway), smiling and chatting as if nothing's wrong and then come home and lock myself inside the four walls of my apartment!

Cheers to the start of the holiday season eh...

10 signs you're having an "off" day

December 11, 2006 - Ten signs that you're having an "off" day:

1. You wake up an hour later than you're supposed to and despite moving as fast as you could, you still leave the house at the same time when you should already be at work.
2. You look into the mirror and realize your eyes are (still) puffy, red and swollen.
3. The subway to work takes forever - literally "stop-and-go" from Eglinton to Bloor.
4. You nearly burst into tears because the subway is taking so long and you're now really late.
5. You feel pathetic because you nearly started crying in front of a subway car full of strangers.
6. You get to the streetcar stop but see no streetcar, so you decide to walk. You look back after half a block and see a streetcar sailing right past you.
7. You stare out at the window every 2 minutes and start daydreaming instead of putting together that slidedeck that is now overdue.
8. You show up at the wrong room for a meeting and don't realize it until 10 minutes later, despite the fact that you don't recognize anyone in the room and you have no idea what they're talking about.
9. You spend all afternoon working on a spreadsheet, just as you're about to save it, the network drive collapses.
10. You go home at the end of the night - and start worrying that tomorrow will be just like today.

Calling Dr. Phil

December 9, 2006 - It's hard to describe how I'm feeling now - sad? for sure; angry? a little; disappointed? uh-huh; pathetic? definitely.

I was never good in dealing with "feelings" and "emotions". The me that everyone gets is happy and cheerful, hyper and positive. If I get a dollar every time someone tells me I'm a positive person, I wouldn't have to worry about my next downpayment!

But being happy and hyper and cheerful all the time comes at a cost - that is the inability to deal with more complicated feelings: like sadness, or abandonment, or anger. So instead of reacting to these feelings - I shun them. It's easier to not deal with them than to have to face them.

Then comes the times when you really have to deal with them. When these feelings have been building up for so long (and you aren't even aware that they have been building up), it becomes overwhelming as they come out. But how do you deal with them? do I go to a shrink ? do I work on them by myself? do I tell people that I'm an emotional wreck and ask them to help me?

The anger and disappointment part is there too - I'm not sure if 'm mad at myself, or because I feel like that the feeling of trust that I have for people and that people have for me is gone (and I guess I'm to blame for that). How do you expect to continue to have a relationship with anyone if they can't trust you? or maybe I just can't form lasting good relationships, because I just don't know how. And that is why people leave my life - because I suck in keeping them in and I don't know how to deal with them.

It's time to stop and re-evaluate my life. I guess I have heard the call for awhile now - but as usual, I have been running away from it. And now, it has finally caught up.

The next station is Eglinton...

December 7, 2006 - Another example of how I get excited over the littlest thing:

On my way home on the subway tonight, I heard something that I thought was long overdue: automated stop announcements. Now this isn't exactly the most innovative thing (I mean, could we be one of the few mass transit systems in the western world that still do not a computer announcing stops?) and I know that a computer has been announcing stops on the Sheppard line for years, but to finally hear it on the very busy Yonge line (the backbone of our transit system) was pretty cool.

For those who have yet to hear it, the voice is that of a woman's, who simply announces stops in the following fashion: "The next stop is Eglinton. Eglinton Station is next..." and then when the train approaches the station: "Approaching Eglinton Station..." Nothing fancy, nothing unique - but makes such a big difference (compared to the usual grumpy mumble that we get from the train conductors). Having clear stop announcements will not only benefit those who are visually impaired, but will also be great for tourists, sleepy riders, and people who don't pay attention to when they need to get off the train!

Could this be our first baby step towards making our subway system world-class again?